Hello and welcome to my brain! It may or may not be great for you to be here.
Howdy 🤠 I’m on a plane to Austin so I’m just trying to get in the right headspace for my upcoming weekend. I had to take off two days during my second week of a new job so you could say I’m under a lot of stress right now. Tom’s house was broken into and he confronted the burglar and then had to go have eye surgery and then my son had to go over and help and then my son, he rolled his car five times on the way home so yeah.. I’m under a lot of stress.
Anyway, I’m sure the subject line of this email grabbed your attention. What did she eat now?? Is it illegal?? Should I not read for fear of being found guilty by association? The answers to these questions are a forbidden fruit, no but it should be, idk consult your lawyer behind my back but don’t ever call me a liar or I’ll come for you.
Before we get into it, did anyone catch the timely clue in wednesday’s NYT crossword?? It felt like kismet as I was consuming the dregs of this week’s snack while completing.
Those weird linkNYC things
Okay admittedly I haven’t spent much time looking into those linkNYC and what they do. A quick google search told me you can charge your phone, grab some wi-fi, make free video calls and access maps? That’s pretty cool. I only know them based on the fun nyc facts and ads that run on the sides of them that obviously I can’t look away from. As you know, maybe you don’t?, I work in advertising like approximately ~30% of millennial New Yorkers. (A figure I just made up but humbly stand by).
So I was walking, as I do, and on this specific linkNYC near 14th and 8th, was a brightly colored ad for Coffee Coca-Cola (I know, I know). I processed it and forgot about it the first idk five times I saw it but eventually it stuck and I kept thinking to myself wtf is this shit? Who invented that? Is it real? I must have it. So I set out of a mission to find it that I thought would be quick jaunt and turned out to be a pain the ass goose chase.
Conspiracy Theory Alert: They don’t exist
So based on my limited knowledge of the product, literally seeing the ad on the street, I assumed it was a product that was readily available and dare I say, popular with the kids? Reader, it was not. First, I went to the CVS in the immediate vicinity of 14th and 8th, which I thought was, ya know smart considering the placement of the advertisement. They did not have it but they also didn’t have really anything. Like the whole store was emptied out. The Daily Mail tells me it’s because of the mounting supply chain crisis in the states and panic buying but the NY Post tells me it’s because of shoplifting so I’ll let you do your own research.
Defeated and thirsty, I opened up the chrome app on my phone and helplessly typed in “coffee coke” which luckily delivered me to the correct product results but did induce a tiny panic of “what did I just google” while the results loaded. I navigated to the store locator section of the Coke corporate website and typed in ‘10012’ then waited impatiently for the map to populate, which it did several moments later, much to my dismay. Three options popped up. Three. I felt bamboozled, hoodwinked, led astray. This concoction was only available at the Targets downtown, only in-store and not available for order ahead and pickup. 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
On Monday this week, I set out on my mission to go to the Tribeca Target because it’s the closest and I needed other Target things anyway so this trip’s goals would be two-fold.
Now the Target app is truly a wonder, you can search for an item and choose your store and it will tell you exactly where in the store it is!! How nifty!! Except that when I got to Target Tribeca I learned it LIED TO ME. So yeah they didn’t actually have the coffee coke at the Tribeca Target and I couldn’t bring myself to ask someone if they knew where it was because last week at Morton Williams I heard a girl ask a stock boy where the eggs where and he deadpanned “I dunno” and that seems like a vital food item whereas I dunno if anyone knows this product even exists. So I left, sad and with $35 worth of target stuff (how?).
Determination
So I wasn’t going to give up because I don’t have a lot going on now and I go on stupid walks to nowhere every day. I thought, maybe the internet is lying to me? Maybe they don’t update that part of the website that often? So I visited a few more stores I know that have robust beverage sections and that are sort of near that original ad but mostly just on my walk to nowhere routes. I wandered around Westside Market, another CVS, a bodega, Citarella and Morton Williams. Nada, nothing, zilch. Now, I can confidently say, I was defeated. I was sad. But mostly, I was wondering who approved the OOH advertising strategy of this liquid beverage that was literally not available anywhere and how they managed to scam the Coke client out of a buttload of money for ads that maybe connected with one human (me). But that’s none of my bizness, quite literally ☕️
So on Wednesday morning I decided for my stupid little walk in the morning to go to the Target in EV which is apparently closer to my apt per google maps than LES. I set my alarm for 7:15 and only snoozed once (big for me!!!) and left my apt to walk all the way to 14th and A, that’s right EIGHT avenues from the original scene of the crime.
It was a lovely walk tbh and I arrived at Target, not bright eyed or bushy tailed but sad, tired and hopeless. The now unreliable Target app told me it would be in aisle B9, but like it obviously wasn’t there or anywhere in the grocery section so I sulked around and decided to buy pop-tarts so at least I wouldn’t walk away empty handed. I went over to pay at self-checkout and there, waiting for me next to the register was a 6ft tall red coca-cola fridge. Could it be? Did I walk right past it a mere 5 minutes ago? I peered in and there they were. Three distinct Coca-Cola Coffee Cans. I couldn’t believe my peepers. I panic purchased the dark blend and regret (for the sake of science) not buying the other two flavors (Caramel and Vanilla tho I wouldn’t have liked these).
A blissful walk home
Giddy with excitement for my walk home, I exited the Target, crossed over Avenue A and made my way West. When I was safely between avenues I cracked that can open as fast as I could and let the sweet, sweet forbidden fruit run across my tongue and down my throat for the first time. Reader, it was exactly as advertised. Coffee Coke. A 12-year-old’s fever dream of mixing two liquids together that should definitely not work and should be gross but somehow definitely blend nicely. It was coke flavor dominant with undertones of creamy coffee flavor that blended together in such a natural way that you think to yourself, is that how it should always be? Will I ever be able to drink regular coke again? It reminded me of cinnamon coke which I also feel like was a fever dream during holiday 2019 which slapped so hard.
The biggest bummers of this beverage are 1) the massive amount of sugar in one can 2) the fact that one can only had 69mg of caffeine so I had to have another cup of coffee to keep me awake. Like what gives? I thought this would give me red bull levels of buzzing given it had soda AND coffee but no, just like a regular small ass cup of coffee. I think it would be immensely better over ice but I couldn’t be bothered to wait that long to drink it. I needed caffeine and I was anxious after traversing across all of lower Manhattan to drink this stupid drink that has no business existing in the first place. So yeah I actually really liked it but I don’t think it’ll like be a regular thing I drink given how hard it is to find and also these alarming facts.
🥤☕️🥤☕️🥤☕️🥤☕️ / 10
Things to look forward to…upcoming days!
We’ve got a weird week on the horizon, it’s like the committee for the national days really gave up and thought “fuck it, yeah let’s make Saturday national sweetest day! That fully makes sense”. Anyway hit up the Kren-Nagles for cheese curds, otherwise advice and uninspired reccos below1
No other news to present folks, immense gratitude to you for making it through this email this week, I know it was touch and go.
See you little vampires 🧛🏼♀️ next week with a fresh new snack and a hot new take.
happy snacking ✌🏼
TL
