welcome to my brain, it may or may not be great for you to be here.
Okay, I have a confession to make. I choose chaos. I know when things are going to be bad and I purposely walk into it, for I’m not sure what, fun? December has been a weird month and I’ve mostly subsided on at-home rapid tests, cookies and chai tea lattes. It’s safe to say I am unwell, both metaphorically and literally. Someone please give this girl a Sweetgreen salad or a bowl of spinach, please she needs her greens. (Me, I’m the someone, I’m an an adult and am responsible for myself)
First, let me paint you an elaborate portrait.
My favorite holiday cookie is gingerbread. Whether that’s shaped like a man, woman, dog or traditional circle, I’m all in. The gingerbread oreos are next level, but I’ll save that review for another newsletter. Gingerbread is a sturdy dough, one used by every baker in GBBO during cookie (sorry, biscuit) challenges because you can build fun things with it (see: houses). But it’s also delicious. It’s spicy yet sweet, crunchy yet chewy and you can only eat it one time a year so it’s ~special~.
Enter, chaos
I follow a lot of accounts on Instagram. Celebrities, dogs, memes and snack-fluencers aplenty. A few weeks (months? idk what is time anymore) one of these accounts posted about a holiday special edition flavor of a beloved classic that I knew I needed to try, despite not really liking or indulging in the beloved classic. So I went to their website to find what locations they were sold at (didn’t need another coffee coke situation again) and low and behold they were not sold in Manhattan but at the Target in Long Valley.
It was settled, I’d get one during Thanksgiving to kick off the holiday season. But then, tragedy struck! I got really sick (again, not covid) and wasn’t able to do much of anything during Thanksgiving never mind leave my apartment and traipse over to New Jersey. So I’d have to wait, and wait, and wait.
This recent Omicron surge almost foiled my plan. ALMOST. But alas, on December 22, 2021 I left my tiny apartment™️ with my tiny dog™️ for the country and the suburban Target, oh and my family.
So you’re probably wondering, what in the funk did this bitch get? Why is she burying the product here? Why is she making us read over 1000 words each week? Well, surprise! It’s for my ego folks!
Should this be illegal?
A question I asked myself when I saw this beverage had 72g of added sugar (145% your daily value) and 91mg of caffeine. Seriously, if you have any health issues whatsoever don’t drink this. Don’t even look at it. I, myself, drank basically shots of it over a few days as to not overwhelm my system but still felt sick each time I drank its (overly) sweet nector.
If you haven’t guessed yet, here it is. Mountain Dew’s limited holiday edition Gingerbread Snap’d, tree and tiny dog™️ in the background for context.
why is it white?
For my next confession, I’d like to buy a vowel. I…haven’t had Mountain Dew proper in probably 15 years (I’ve had a baja blast at t-bell fairly recently) so I’m not really sure wtf it tastes like but from my deep down memories it’s just like sugary lemon lime, right? Someone fact check me.
As a side note, the history of Mountain Dew is pretty interesting. It was a small regional soda that people in the South mixed with whiskey until Pepsico acquired it in the 60s and the rest they say is dew-stery. (that was bad, I’m sorry).
Back to the flavor we see today, Gingerbread Snap’d. The first sip is very gingery and bubbly and reminiscent of a strong ginger ale, which is pleasant but then the aftertaste is distinctly gingerbread cookie. I truly don’t know how they did it (assuming just sugar and rogue spices) but it really tastes like a liquified gingerbread cookie. It’s really quite refreshing and festive. If it wasn’t aggressively caffeinated and loaded with sugar, and hard to find, I could see myself enjoying this on a semi-regular basis. She can have a little Dew, as a treat.
Regular ginger ale (Canada dry) for comparison has 35g of sugar per can, which honestly is more than I thought but I also don’t drink that everyday so I guess it’s fine. I do think you could get the same taste with just a can of ginger ale minus the sugar and caffeine which really, none of us really need.
Overall, I’m happy to keep trying these Mountain Dew flavors since that’s really their whole schtick and you know, I love a good schtick. Exclusive flavors available only at certain fast food restaurants and random Targets is ultimately a good play for fair weather dew fans considering I went out of my way to get this thing.
I wouldn’t run to get this but if it catches your eye and, again, you don’t have pre-existing health conditions, I’d recommend you grab a bottle and wait for the caffeine to course through your veins then complete some sort of insane feat of human strength like running a few miles or trying to wrestle wanso into a denim jacket.
🗻🗻🗻🗻🗻🗻 / 10
(they’re mountains, get it?)
Wanso’s World
Woof, woof woof, woof, bark bark. [loud sigh and dramatic flop on floor]
Loosely translated, Merry Christmas and be safe out there pals!
this angle makes me look like a real Labrador
Things to look forward to..upcoming days!
I don’t know man, why is pumpkin pie on Christmas? Why are candy canes and fruitcake after the holiday? Why do I let this arbitrary food of the day committee grind my gears so much? I’m sure I couldn’t do a better job so why do I care? Questions I have no answers to and no energy to look into.
Anyway my little jelly bellies, have some happy holidays, be safe, get your boosters if you haven’t already and eat cookies until you feel sick.
See you next week with a fresh new snack and a hot new take.
